25 Thoughts

1. Growing up, my older brothers resented the attention I gained so much that they took to derisively calling me King David. I was oblivious.
2. I’m also oblivious if someone is interested in me. Flirting is completely lost. Unless you hit me over the head caveman style, I will just see everything as innocent conversation.
3. I am woefully—contrary to popular belief—and am uncomfortable in any social situation where I don’t know anyone. The only way I bypass the fear of starting up a conversation is to pretend that I am working.
4. One thing I learned over the years is that—unless I am truly passionate about my job—I live by the credo of “working to live, not living to work.”
5. Passion is something that I have always felt myself to be lacking. I see people who dive into life with gusto, while I feel as if I have been lurking in the shadows for much of my life. I am in awe of those whose passion focuses their actions.
6. It frustrates me that back pain has caused me to give up two things that I am passionate about—bowling, gardening, and softball.
7. Writing has become something I enjoy, but so far find difficulty (lack of passion?) in making the time necessary to be successful. Considering I found my writing voice after turning 40, I give myself at least a few years to publish my own version of the Great American Novel.
8. Rarely do I get invited to parties. Not sure if that means I’m boring and unpopular or whether (more likely) I’m forgettable and an afterthought. Sometimes I feel left out and unloved because of this.
9. I find it hard to maintain friendships after I move away. That’s what has made FaceBook so fun. I’ve re-connected with quite a few people, including some I haven’t seen or talked with in more than 30 years.
10. I cook like my mother—casseroles, meat & potatoes—and rarely take culinary risks.
11. Also, like my mother, I love DisneyWorld and, much to Thom’s chagrin, could spend every vacation there. I find it comforting and the experience never fails to put a smile on my face.
12. Rollercoasters frighten me and I have given over to my fear for Thom’s sake (he loves them and will do anything that involves speed). But I still have my limits.
13. I have never been out of the country and don’t even have a passport. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to visit some places, but finances being what they are I never imagine being able to afford traveling the world.
14. I love playing board games and party games, just as long as I don’t have to draw anything—Picasso I ain’t.
15. There have been times when I showed an interest in picking up a musical instrument and learning how to play. Frustration sets in almost immediately when perfection doesn’t spontaneously appear. I guess this comes from the fact that I pick up most things easily whether it be computer programs, sports, or trivia.
16. Coming up with 25 things is excruciating. Talking about “me” is a chore. I’d really rather be learning about you.
17. Some people are afraid of failure. I, on the other hand, think that I suffer from a fear of success.
18. Of all the places I’ve lived (Chicago, Oregon, NY’s Hudson Valley, South Florida), I would like to retire in Oregon (that’s Ore-E-Gun, son). I’ve never lived in someplace with as many shades of green.
19. Too often I have amazing ideas, but little follow-up. I really should be employed by a major corporation as a visionary.
20. Because I don’t express it, you may not know how much of a friend I consider you to be. I care deeply about so many people and never forget those I consider in my heart to be worthy of friendship. Acquaintances come and go, but friendships, though time and distance get in the way, last forever.
21. I’m not sure if I’ve ever said anything profound, but I have uttered encyclopedias of profane.
22. I love my family deeply. No matter how long it has been since we’ve seen each other, each is precious in my eyes.
23. I am loved and in love. It is the most wonderful essence.
24. Of all the regrets I have throughout the course of my life, it’s that I’ve never had the opportunity to become a father. I know that I would’ve made a great dad. Now I live in a state where I couldn’t adopt, even if I wanted, just for being gay. How many children lose out on loving homes because of the ignorance of others.
25. I still believe in Santa. For me he embodies the goodness of the world.

Return of the Native or Imaginative

Where has the time gone? It doesn’t seem that three months have passed since I last put thoughts to keyboard and posted something of merit on this page. Major holidays have swept passed with the speed of passersby on a city street. I’ve failed to chronicle Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the beginning of a New Year.

Is there significance in my writing on this particular holiday (Martin Luther King, Jr. Day)? No, it just happens that the bank is closed and Thom is stuck working. So I am here alone with projects to be done around the house and a serious lack of ambition to accomplish any of them. So instead, I will offer up for you a list of thoughts, occurrences, and ambitions from the last three months.

HOLIDAYS – Halloween was a bust. Neither Thom nor I had the energy to be fabulous. Nor did we have the desire to attend the neighborhood street fair that was attended by more than 20,000 revelers (we could hear them until at least 2am through our open windows). Thanksgiving was spent with friends, of course only after watching the Macy’s Parade. For Christmas, we eschewed Disney and hosted friends and family for a scrumptious get together.

BK FLAMER – Before the holidays Burger King introduces a product they hoped would compete with Axe body spray—BK FLAME. Advertisements showed the Burger King king naked by the fire, covered only by a bearskin rug. The ad was disturbing to say the least. The king is one of the scariest promotional characters ever created and conjures but one image for me…pedophilia. What were they thinking?!

TAPS – My laptop died on New Year’s Day. The trauma was complete when Geek Squad could do nothing to recover my data. Stupidly, my last full backup was back in October (see, this page isn’t the only thing I’ve neglected) so much was lost. But hearken…there is a brand-spanking new HP on the way.

DIVERSIONS – I’ve found a couple of new ways to occupy my time and avoid what really needs to be done…Geni.com and Facebook. Now, since many of you are already on Facebook, I won’t go into too much detail other than the joy and surprise of re-connecting with people I haven’t had contact with in up to 30 years. As for Geni, it is a fantastic site where you can compile your family tree and have it accessible for editing to anyone in the family. Great for gathering info and storing family pics.

HANG-UPS – With much sadness, I have retired from playing and coaching softball. The pain in my back is such that I just can’t continue. I can’t describe how difficult walking away from something I love is for me. It easily would have been a full blog of its own, but I just couldn’t bring myself to write it.

MOVING FORWARD – We just set up a new writing space for me in the condo. So hopefully that ever-in-progress novel will get some attention during 2009. I really need to do something to better utilize my time, and escape from the horrors of my job… *NOTE TO SELF* GET A NEW JOB…

Until next time, my lovelies…

Oh Titus, My Itis!

I haven't been myself for some time now. You see, when we were on the gulf coast, celebrating my mother's 80th birthday, I developed something I had never experienced...an earache. It was debilitating.

My left ear throbbed. Sensory audibility languished. It seemed I had become a conch, hearing the ocean in my head. With one ear hopelessly out of commission, the remaining amplifier did just that...every sound seemed to be coming out of a newly upgraded theatrical sound system. Not the best combination when surrounded by loud children. Just what is it that provides little girls with the ultimate in shrieky voices?

It was murder. Or better, it was miraculous that I murdered no one.

Returning home completely miserable, I caved and went to the doctor. The homeopathic crap for earaches and swimmer's ear drop had done nothing to alleviate the constant pain with periodic excruciation. Now I understand why children scream constantly when facing this affliction. Following the visit, I found myself armed with cortisone drops and antibiotics. Praise Jesus for medication!

Two more weeks have passed. The pain is gone, but the hearing is still not where it should be. I probably should go to the doctor again, but with the current financial atmosphere I don't want to take more time off. So I continue to try some drops for removing ear wax build up (there's probably enough in there to make a pillar candle) and make it through the days at work...barely.

Fascinating...

There are so many things in this world that hold the capacity to fascinate:

• pollen-laden flowers
• sea shells rolling onto shore
• leaves turning color
• clouds in the sky

Babies can shift their entire focus to one thing for hours. Notice the look in their eyes upon the discovery of their own toes. The world around them melts away into the background of consciousness.

I still have a child's eye. It hasn't been lost in this darkened attic of adulthood. It remains fresh; sensitive as an iguana's tongue.

Recently, I've noticed something. You see, working in a bank, I handle plenty of money on a daily basis. Take a close look at our paper (or should I say linen) money. The newer engravings of the presidents/officials cast some eerie effects. If you count enough money, you will begin to notice the eyes--they stare back at you. More often than not, it is a benign gaze. But at times, there is a demonic glare looking up, haunting you, taunting you.

Some have said that "money is the root of all evil." I'm not so sure they aren't far from the truth.

Fascinating.

Cinco de Mayo, Oh My!

Whoever said bankers were stuffed shirts and conservative.



Here I am for Cinco de Mayo, dressed for a fiesta.

You can Bank on It

Currently, I work as a teller in a bank. Following three months on the job, there is one thing that I am certain of...it is not my life's calling. I took the job as a way of getting my foot in the door, hoping it would lead to a better position in financial services. In a short time, though, I have been reminded over and over again why I am not really cut out for the corporate world.

In the best of worlds, I would leave this daily drudgery. The reality is much harsher.

The job market here in South Florida is becoming increasingly tight. Unemployment rates are nearing 5%, which doesn't take into account those who have run out of their benefits and have all but given up home (only recently, I was close to being one of these forgotten souls). Competition for decent paying jobs is stiff.

My branch also happens to be home of the area HR recruiter. So I see firsthand the changes. When I first started work, there might be 5-10 people taking job assessments per week. This past week, more than 30 people (from seemingly all walks of life & levels of experience) took these tests.

People are worried, and rightly so. South Florida is classified as a "soft" economic territory. Hard hit by the sub-prime loan crisis, hundreds of home are being lost to foreclosure. Tens of thousands more are on the market where values have plunged by more than 25% in the past few months. Many would leave the area, but are stuck with mortgage principal worth more than the price they can reasonably get when selling their homes.

It doesn't look to get any better in the near future.

So, for now, I am just thankful for a job...any job.